Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
