dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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