If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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