My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
