I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
