are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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