its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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