Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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