Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
