After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
