go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I forget how to act sober
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