I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
