I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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