when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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