I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
