I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
