Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
