I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
