Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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