i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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