dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
