Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
