life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
