Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
