Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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