i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
