Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize