I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I just sharted jello shots
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