I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
