Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
