My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
