I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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