Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
