Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
