Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize