Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
