Cold hands, warm shart.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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