I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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