Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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