if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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