last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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