Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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