I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
