Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
