He is like the real live version of the state fair..
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
