If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I will pee on everything he values.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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