Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
