I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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