This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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