thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
