My friends, they love my intelligence
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
