Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
