Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
