why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
