What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Operation Purity has been aborted
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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