when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
