i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
