He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
