You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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