he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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