I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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