bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
