I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Randomize
