I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize