Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
