It was confusing and full of hummus
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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