And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize